This memory keeps recurring in my mind. A night when I was reminded how much no one can be trusted. Isn’t that what we keep preaching? Trust no one? No one can be trusted?
Well, I’m the idiot that trusts.
I don’t really talk about the things that hurt me because I like to pretend they didn’t happen.
Funny thing is the more I try to pretend the more it gnaws on my heart, tearing my insides, causing me to slowly bleed out.
You see this things, this events are not yet things I’m ready to speak out but the more I stay quiet, the more I suffer.
I hear people say they go numb, they block things out of their system but if we are really honest that’s not possible. You can push something to the back of your mind but that does not remove it from your mind. It still has power over you, drags you down. Best thing is to let go, to forgive and move on. I have so many people to forgive but the hardest one to forgive is myself. I’ve done some stupid things in my life. Put myself in so many idiotic situations, and it gets me so angry every time I imagine how much worse certain situation I got into could have been if it hadn’t been for God’s grace.
I guess tonight I just feel lost, lost in myself. In my thoughts. Broken
and it just started form a simple message to me, from someone who doesn’t even realize how much they affect me negatively.
Lack of forgiveness is a killer. It breaks you apart and leaves a shell. sad thing is we let it.
I remember, I had an”unforgivable” person in my life and after constant prayer. I can now say I love this person honestly from the bottom of my heart. So yes, forgiveness is possible and lack of forgiveness is a choice. A bad one.
Lord, please give me a forgiving heart. I am broken.
Losing Self 