Darkness.

A lot has happened since the last time I posted. I drew away from God, found my stability back in him and just got in a whole big mess in terms of my life and my emotional/mental health.

Now, I’m back in a good place. Well, with God at least but to be honest, my life has never felt more pointless. I’m sitting here, blessed and in this amazing new situation that everyone around me is screaming jealousy and “oh my you’re living my dream”, blah blah.. but here I am. feeling completely lost and alone, yet surrounded by people.

I have been dealing with a lot of things in my life. Been carrying some heavy load for years and every so often, it drags me down and I feel like I’m going to drown.

In this moment, right now all I see around me is darkness. I don’t remember ever feeling so bad about life. It feels like I’ve wasted my entire adult life and all for nothing. I’ve given so much of myself for people, sacrificed so much, and for what?

I’m sure I’ll be okay eventually, maybe my life will make sense one day. I’m not really going to hold my breath but I really hope it all does make sense someday.

When you wish it would all end..

Life’s burning issues. Matters of the heart.

They tag and they pull, and strech you to the limit. and just as you think you can take no more, they throw you some more. Till you wish your heart would just give out and save you the pain.

I’ll be honest, I’ve wished it once or twice(or maybe more). Imagined heaven, the peace awaiting me there and just prayed for it all to end.

I completely understand suicide. I understand how someone can get to that place where you’re tired of life, tired of people, tired of always having to try so hard for even the most mundane of things and you  just want it all to end. As much as I have this “my-life-is-not-my-own-so-i-cannot-take-it” mentality. I get it. Sometimes life just sucks! Sometimes, the only thing you can think of is, when will it end?

I’ve had times in my life when I prayed, hours in tears asking God to just take my life. When I couldn’t see any positive outcome no matter where I looked. It’s sad really when I think about those moments, and remember the pain I was in but I am so grateful that God did not answer those prayers because here I am. Today, a joyful me. With only fading memories of those agonizing days. God has a plan for us, the path to it may be rough and sometimes painful but He has a plan and is not about to abandon us on the way to it.

Life sadly, will never be perfect but we have been promised that pain doesn’t last forever. It may be the pits right now, but endure a little bit longer and watch the pain fade to a distant memory. Whatever it is that has you so low. Whatever has you googling ways to kill yourself, or crying all night wondering why you were created in the first place. Whatever it is that has you imagining doing horrible things to someone. It WILL pass. The world will not collapse from under you and your heart won’t explode from the all the pain. Trust me, I know. It will NOT last. Just put your trust in God and He will get you through it. He’s done it for me(even though I never really deserved it) and He will surely do it for you.

Weeping may tarry for the night,

but joy comes with the morning.

Psalm 30:5 esv