Called to L-O-V-E.

I can’t stop singing to God even when i’m sinning against Him. I feel so flawed so dirty so unworthy. But I have no where else to turn so I bow my head in shame and cry..

I have this habit of retracting from society and hiding away by myself when things start slipping from me. It’s a bad habit. I know I should always be with people, especially in those low moments,  but I find myself seeking solitude and although sometimes I pick myself up immediately. Other times I find myself falling even lower and it’s sad. It’s sad that I feel safe alone, sad that with all the experiences and things I’ve witnessed I find it hard to be completely be honest with people. I know no one is perfect and I have never expected anyone to be, and I have also tried to share my imperfections, mostly because of this deep fear of becoming a hypocrite.

I don’t want to appear to be something i’m out. yet i’m not completely comfortable exposing all my flaws and short comings. See I believe Jesus died for my sins, I believe He died that I may have life and live without shame. But looking at people and how they react to things, seeing how fellow Christians act towards those who have fallen short in one way or the other makes it really difficult for me to come out and say, “hey, see I did that too. I messed up, can you walk with me through this”.

Maybe i’m the problem, maybe I have trust issues..

Wait, I can’t be the only problem. Despite the fact that I may not be so okay with full disclosure because of my own issues and things in my life, I know for a fact that there is a problem out there as well. I know that there is judgement, I know there is condemnation and chastising in some places among certain Christian communities and I don’t understand why.

I want to give myself fully to God. Live my live fully for Him. Stay pure and be a positive impact for Him in every place I go, but I fail. I mess up A LOT  and I just want to be okay with crying to someone when I’m feeling that shame when I’ve done something stupid and not have to worry about what happens to me next. Stories of people being kicked out of churches for being pregnant, or being treated strange by fellow members of the church for whatever thing they did. Honestly! By the time someone is coming to you to confess, they already know they did wrong the guilt tripping and hoops, just crazy! My sins were forgiven, I am a new creation in Christ. Why do you choose to punish me when the punishment was already taken care of?

It’s one thing to correct and a whole other thing to condemn. We all have sinned, we still sin but God because of His amazing grace and mercy gave His son for us. Yet we choose to put each other through that again? It makes no sense to me.

I am a big advocate of love. I truly believe love changes things. I believe showing love and grace is the only way to go. None of us deserve anything yet we were shown mercy and given life. It shouldn’t be such a task to do the same for others.

We need to put Christ back on top. He has to come first. That’s the only way we’ll remember to show love and mercy.

We need God. For our relationships and interactions to be genuine and loving.

God has to come first. So that before you judge someone you empathize and try to see through their eyes.

So that we may be able to guide each other in love and teach each other.

It breaks my heart to imagine the many who suffer through secret sin because they fear they’ll lose friends(in church). Or those who live in shame because they have no one to tell them they have nothing to be ashamed of, that it was all taken care of at the cross. Christ has to be greater in us. Live like He lived, and love like He loved.

We are called to love. Let us love.

We cannot claim to serve a God who is love and have no love in us.

Love is so much more that words, it’s manifested in our everyday life and interactions. In our relationships.

Kim Kardashian.

English: Kim Kardashian Get David Jones Tills ...

Image via Wikipedia

I was on twitter yesterday and apparently it was bash on Kim Kardashian day on my timeline. I don’t really follow her life or her shows or anything, but her being such a high profile celebrity, I know the basics. well at-least what I’ve seen on my timeline and on Facebook. Personally I am very disgusted by how easily people can kick others when they’re down. Honestly, when did celebrity turn into a cloak of invincibility? I can’t imagine what it feels like to mess up and know that millions of people know what I did and will judge me for it for the rest of my life. I’m a regular person and I stress out to the point of depression sometimes for my unknown sin blow it up times a million and I would probably need an asylum or something. Life is hard for everyone, and no one needs a constant reminder of their mistakes. I feel really bad for famous people. It’s a difficult lifestyle to choose to live.

I watched some show that was trying to explain celebrity and the spiraling that happens in most celebs lives at one point or the other. The report claimed that celebrities have some form of narcissistic syndrome or something. Basically, they were trying to put it all on the celebrity and their choices. I get that we all make our choices and all of that, but the public have to take some responsibility for the madness. If it wasn’t for the public’s insane need to know every little detail about these peoples lives, and the love for tragedy, things would not be this bad. Fame is like a drug, once you get that high, you want it more and more. If the only time you get the attention is when you do something crazy, then why would you do anything but that? After all your career depends on it. We are responsible for ourselves, but we are also responsible for each other.

Kim Kardashian is trying to clean herself up, pick up the pieces and people throw her past in her face? Honestly?!  We drive people to the edge then wonder how they got there. It’s really sad, how hard it is to encourage others and I’m tired of seeing all the celebrity tragedies! A little compassion goes a long way. Rehab can only do so much.

I was happy to see a few positive tweets to her though, but not enough. We need to change how we do things.Show some compassion, give a little grace.

stuck like magic glue.

I am an introvert, a thinker. I spend most days staring at nothing pondering on what life is and what it could blossom into. Blossom, well, not always the word for the thoughts in my head, sometimes no. Most times I’m thinking what life will wither into. The darkness and gloom that hovers over me. The pain and hurt, crashing me into a ball of  negativity and hopelessness.

Life, funny little thing it is. One day, you’re up, another your down, but some things remain constant. Depending on the environment and the things you are exposed to some negative things, will always haunt you.

Labels.

Since the whole campaign began, I haven’t really thought about labels to be honest. I chose my safe route, the escape. Houdini has nothing on me I tell you. But today, my labels hit me smack in the face. I couldn’t run and I won’t run, at least not today.

Passionless, worthless and lacking in direction. Words stuck to my shadow, like ghosts they haunt me, in my moments of quiet reflection. Stuck to me like glue. As much as I’d like to say, I know I am not any of those things, the words have been thrown at me for so long that I believe them.

I feel it now more than ever, feels like I’m wasting away, wasting breath, wasting a life. I wonder if I will ever actually do that which is purposed for my life? Or will I just roam about the planet only to discover my life is over and I need to answer to my maker.

I don’t really want to think like that, those who have been reading my blog know that I always choose to follow the positive route in most situations. This though, is a difficult one. When I have all these people around me declaring their plans for my life, all the things they had imagined and envisioned and then I throw in my “little” plans. The obvious disappointment in their faces. The condescension from those who have apparently “made it” in life. The hints that my plans are not enough, not worth the mention. It breaks my heart.

The thing is despite the fact that I know that God has grand plans for me. Despite the fact that I know that my vision and plans are good and for the glory of God, I still let people make me feel like trash. I let my goals, my plans, my calling be overshadowed by other people ideas. I let them be drowned in societal ideals. I let myself be dragged down to the ground by words, by looks, by suggestions. Just because my idea of success does not revolve around money and material things, just because I choose to be different from everyone else, I am labeled passionless and lacking in direction and I take it?!

It ends now! No more.

No more, letting everyone else drown God in me.

No more, listening and believing lies about me.

No more doubting God’s presence and control of my life.

I’m done!

I am not of this world, I am His and this world will NOT decide who I am and what I am meant to be.

He has a plan for my life, He has a purpose for my life, I am called, and I am loved. The world and all the societal noise… Now just noise, white noise.