I can’t stop singing to God even when i’m sinning against Him. I feel so flawed so dirty so unworthy. But I have no where else to turn so I bow my head in shame and cry..
I have this habit of retracting from society and hiding away by myself when things start slipping from me. It’s a bad habit. I know I should always be with people, especially in those low moments, but I find myself seeking solitude and although sometimes I pick myself up immediately. Other times I find myself falling even lower and it’s sad. It’s sad that I feel safe alone, sad that with all the experiences and things I’ve witnessed I find it hard to be completely be honest with people. I know no one is perfect and I have never expected anyone to be, and I have also tried to share my imperfections, mostly because of this deep fear of becoming a hypocrite.
I don’t want to appear to be something i’m out. yet i’m not completely comfortable exposing all my flaws and short comings. See I believe Jesus died for my sins, I believe He died that I may have life and live without shame. But looking at people and how they react to things, seeing how fellow Christians act towards those who have fallen short in one way or the other makes it really difficult for me to come out and say, “hey, see I did that too. I messed up, can you walk with me through this”.
Maybe i’m the problem, maybe I have trust issues..
Wait, I can’t be the only problem. Despite the fact that I may not be so okay with full disclosure because of my own issues and things in my life, I know for a fact that there is a problem out there as well. I know that there is judgement, I know there is condemnation and chastising in some places among certain Christian communities and I don’t understand why.
I want to give myself fully to God. Live my live fully for Him. Stay pure and be a positive impact for Him in every place I go, but I fail. I mess up A LOT and I just want to be okay with crying to someone when I’m feeling that shame when I’ve done something stupid and not have to worry about what happens to me next. Stories of people being kicked out of churches for being pregnant, or being treated strange by fellow members of the church for whatever thing they did. Honestly! By the time someone is coming to you to confess, they already know they did wrong the guilt tripping and hoops, just crazy! My sins were forgiven, I am a new creation in Christ. Why do you choose to punish me when the punishment was already taken care of?
It’s one thing to correct and a whole other thing to condemn. We all have sinned, we still sin but God because of His amazing grace and mercy gave His son for us. Yet we choose to put each other through that again? It makes no sense to me.
I am a big advocate of love. I truly believe love changes things. I believe showing love and grace is the only way to go. None of us deserve anything yet we were shown mercy and given life. It shouldn’t be such a task to do the same for others.
We need to put Christ back on top. He has to come first. That’s the only way we’ll remember to show love and mercy.
We need God. For our relationships and interactions to be genuine and loving.
God has to come first. So that before you judge someone you empathize and try to see through their eyes.
So that we may be able to guide each other in love and teach each other.
It breaks my heart to imagine the many who suffer through secret sin because they fear they’ll lose friends(in church). Or those who live in shame because they have no one to tell them they have nothing to be ashamed of, that it was all taken care of at the cross. Christ has to be greater in us. Live like He lived, and love like He loved.
We are called to love. Let us love.
We cannot claim to serve a God who is love and have no love in us.
Love is so much more that words, it’s manifested in our everyday life and interactions. In our relationships.