Called to L-O-V-E.

I can’t stop singing to God even when i’m sinning against Him. I feel so flawed so dirty so unworthy. But I have no where else to turn so I bow my head in shame and cry..

I have this habit of retracting from society and hiding away by myself when things start slipping from me. It’s a bad habit. I know I should always be with people, especially in those low moments,  but I find myself seeking solitude and although sometimes I pick myself up immediately. Other times I find myself falling even lower and it’s sad. It’s sad that I feel safe alone, sad that with all the experiences and things I’ve witnessed I find it hard to be completely be honest with people. I know no one is perfect and I have never expected anyone to be, and I have also tried to share my imperfections, mostly because of this deep fear of becoming a hypocrite.

I don’t want to appear to be something i’m out. yet i’m not completely comfortable exposing all my flaws and short comings. See I believe Jesus died for my sins, I believe He died that I may have life and live without shame. But looking at people and how they react to things, seeing how fellow Christians act towards those who have fallen short in one way or the other makes it really difficult for me to come out and say, “hey, see I did that too. I messed up, can you walk with me through this”.

Maybe i’m the problem, maybe I have trust issues..

Wait, I can’t be the only problem. Despite the fact that I may not be so okay with full disclosure because of my own issues and things in my life, I know for a fact that there is a problem out there as well. I know that there is judgement, I know there is condemnation and chastising in some places among certain Christian communities and I don’t understand why.

I want to give myself fully to God. Live my live fully for Him. Stay pure and be a positive impact for Him in every place I go, but I fail. I mess up A LOT  and I just want to be okay with crying to someone when I’m feeling that shame when I’ve done something stupid and not have to worry about what happens to me next. Stories of people being kicked out of churches for being pregnant, or being treated strange by fellow members of the church for whatever thing they did. Honestly! By the time someone is coming to you to confess, they already know they did wrong the guilt tripping and hoops, just crazy! My sins were forgiven, I am a new creation in Christ. Why do you choose to punish me when the punishment was already taken care of?

It’s one thing to correct and a whole other thing to condemn. We all have sinned, we still sin but God because of His amazing grace and mercy gave His son for us. Yet we choose to put each other through that again? It makes no sense to me.

I am a big advocate of love. I truly believe love changes things. I believe showing love and grace is the only way to go. None of us deserve anything yet we were shown mercy and given life. It shouldn’t be such a task to do the same for others.

We need to put Christ back on top. He has to come first. That’s the only way we’ll remember to show love and mercy.

We need God. For our relationships and interactions to be genuine and loving.

God has to come first. So that before you judge someone you empathize and try to see through their eyes.

So that we may be able to guide each other in love and teach each other.

It breaks my heart to imagine the many who suffer through secret sin because they fear they’ll lose friends(in church). Or those who live in shame because they have no one to tell them they have nothing to be ashamed of, that it was all taken care of at the cross. Christ has to be greater in us. Live like He lived, and love like He loved.

We are called to love. Let us love.

We cannot claim to serve a God who is love and have no love in us.

Love is so much more that words, it’s manifested in our everyday life and interactions. In our relationships.

What’s your sin?

If there’s one bible verse that constantly challenges me it’s…

“James 5:26
Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.”

We are expected not only to repent our sins to God but to each other.. WHOAH!

We all have personal struggles that we share with no one right? I can’t be the only one? I have things that I have shared, and said I’ve struggled with, even here on my blog. Others though I prayed about and they went away. Some still haunt me. The thing is we are not supposed to be fighting by ourselves. We are a family. One body.

Sadly, with everyone keeping their little problems to themselves, new Christians come and assume we are perfect and sometimes may even give up, because they thought sharing their imperfections with a bunch of holy members of the church was an impossible.

I follow this organization called p4cm(passion for Christ movement), they mostly reach out through poetry and I’m a huge fan of poetry. Anyway, in their store they had an EX range of tee’s. Ex- masturbator, ex-porn addict, ex-doubter, ex-hypocrite e.t.c. You buy the one that applies to you and wear it proudly, because you have been saved and redeemed by Christ.

I absolutely love that idea to be open and tell people that no one is perfect but God still loves us.

To confess that which we kept hidden. To be free. It’s a great concept, but what I’m saying isn’t that we should all wear a t-shirt with our past sins or the sins we are still struggling with but to be able to admit that we are sinners and we have been redeemed. To be able to talk to each  other honestly and openly without fear of condemnation. To be a family that loves each other and is there for one another. Because this world is hard enough without us(Christians), condemning each other. We get enough of that from the world. We should embrace each other with love and grace. We should console and pray for each other. We should lead each other.

We are called to be a family. That is the only way anyone can actually be able to come to us and say hey, I’ve been struggling with sex addiction can you help me”



Me? I used too watch porn(a lot)..  Am I tempted to once in a while? yes. But, I am proud to say I don’t watch anymore.

I used to drink, a lot.. I don’t drink anymore.

I have a lot of flaws and imperfections I can’t list them all now, but God is strong in my weakness. I may one day slip and do something but, I choose to focus on God and His undying love for me. and that gets me through everyday.

God loves you, He hates your sin. If you trust in Him, he will always come through.


So tell me, what is your sin?


I was told you were not there

It was all a figment of my imagination

That I believe in the unperceivable

Yet I still held on, kept believing.

A lot of times my faith has faltered

It seemed to me that I was all alone

Struggling to cradle my belief

Trying to press on

Fighting against all those who attempted to make me stop believing

But now I grow weak

Is it still worth it to keep believing?

Is still worth it to make so many enemies for something I have no proof of?

I try

I’ve held on for so long I need something

A sign

Anything because my strength, my faith is feeble.

I found this poem in some of my old documents, I wrote it a couple of years ago. Some of it still expresses some of the things I sometimes feel to this day. I am so grateful to God though, that I am not as low as I was then. I have seen the hand of God in my life. I know God exists. There’s no longer doubt. I cried out, and He heard my cry. My past is a testament to the existance of God, my joy and peace a testament to his wonderful unfailing love and grace. Praise be to God!

“Psalm 18:6 In my distress I called to the LORD; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears”