I am an introvert, a thinker. I spend most days staring at nothing pondering on what life is and what it could blossom into. Blossom, well, not always the word for the thoughts in my head, sometimes no. Most times I’m thinking what life will wither into. The darkness and gloom that hovers over me. The pain and hurt, crashing me into a ball of negativity and hopelessness.
Life, funny little thing it is. One day, you’re up, another your down, but some things remain constant. Depending on the environment and the things you are exposed to some negative things, will always haunt you.
Since the whole campaign began, I haven’t really thought about labels to be honest. I chose my safe route, the escape. Houdini has nothing on me I tell you. But today, my labels hit me smack in the face. I couldn’t run and I won’t run, at least not today.
Passionless, worthless and lacking in direction. Words stuck to my shadow, like ghosts they haunt me, in my moments of quiet reflection. Stuck to me like glue. As much as I’d like to say, I know I am not any of those things, the words have been thrown at me for so long that I believe them.
I feel it now more than ever, feels like I’m wasting away, wasting breath, wasting a life. I wonder if I will ever actually do that which is purposed for my life? Or will I just roam about the planet only to discover my life is over and I need to answer to my maker.
I don’t really want to think like that, those who have been reading my blog know that I always choose to follow the positive route in most situations. This though, is a difficult one. When I have all these people around me declaring their plans for my life, all the things they had imagined and envisioned and then I throw in my “little” plans. The obvious disappointment in their faces. The condescension from those who have apparently “made it” in life. The hints that my plans are not enough, not worth the mention. It breaks my heart.
The thing is despite the fact that I know that God has grand plans for me. Despite the fact that I know that my vision and plans are good and for the glory of God, I still let people make me feel like trash. I let my goals, my plans, my calling be overshadowed by other people ideas. I let them be drowned in societal ideals. I let myself be dragged down to the ground by words, by looks, by suggestions. Just because my idea of success does not revolve around money and material things, just because I choose to be different from everyone else, I am labeled passionless and lacking in direction and I take it?!
It ends now! No more.
No more, letting everyone else drown God in me.
No more, listening and believing lies about me.
No more doubting God’s presence and control of my life.
I am not of this world, I am His and this world will NOT decide who I am and what I am meant to be.
He has a plan for my life, He has a purpose for my life, I am called, and I am loved. The world and all the societal noise… Now just noise, white noise.